The Zoolander Syndrome
So here is the thing. I am a very, very, very, very green writer. By all accounts, I think I am a fairly decent writer at the moment. A good writer in the eyes of some, a terrible writer in the eyes of many, and a phenomenal writer in the eyes of like, 1 or 2 people.
So here is the other thing. I have never needed to be smart. I have gotten by in life pretty much on the merit of my looks, sparkling personality and the fact that I can drink a lot of alcohol (I'm fun). And clearly my modesty... right?
But what is this?! I am getting praised for my intellect and writing capabilities now? Is this what smart is? Am I an intellectual now? "What do you mean you enjoy my point of view? You can't see my boobs when your reading my blog, so how can you know it's good?!"
Get outta town....
This is what I like to call The Zoolander Syndrome. If your lucky enough to be attractive and charming, you can usually get by with doing less.
Sshhh...If you're really quiet right now, you can hear the triggered outrage of feminists everywhere.
Sorry feminists, maybe I should have clarified. I may have never needed to be smart or hard working or handy, but that doesn't mean that I am not. I am lucky enough to have been raised by a Father with award winning work ethic and the random knowledge to somehow be able to fix and/or do anything, with the patience to share this knowledge. So before you go ahead and start a rumor that I must have slept my way to the top of this ultra non-lucrative, self employment, entrepreneurial, no days off, phone glued to my ear, email answering in the middle of the night, neglecting my loved ones, social media maneuvering lifestyle I'm living, check yo'self.
Yes, the intellectual accolades have started to roll in. Rolling in slowly like molasses mind you, but still! But, then I got in a fluster. Can I still be authentic Cayleigh, tits out, trucker mouth, vulgar jokes on dial, no filter and still be considered for these glorious, scholarly compliments that are being given? The answer? Fuck yes. Sorry mom! I mean, F*ck yes.
How does one transition from being of a mindset where your not generally appreciated for the thoughts you have? How do you learn to accommodate a newly found adulation such as reading and writing into an already scheduled and packed lifestyle and allow it to flourish? How do you receive the gratitude of those who appreciate what you are learning to do? How do you continue to grow your talent as you pursue these creations while staying true to your authentic self? I don't know, because I am lazy.
Rephrase; I don't know... yet.
We all had that one jerk guy in junior high right? The one who would check out the girls racks and proclaim "The bigger the boobs the smaller the brain!" Most of us hated that guy. Not me, I dated that guy. You know why? Because they are the kind of guys you can convince to do everything for you. They like to think, "Oh, I better help her with that. She might mess up.", when in reality I was just putting that free time to use plotting world domination, or watching the Simpsons while they are "helping" put together an IKEA vanity, ripping out my old flooring, or some shit job I really just didn't want to do myself. So what is the issue!? Well, while others are doing my bidding, I am being lazy.
I love being lazy, and I am really good at it but it is sadly a skill I have acquired due to the choices I have made to allow others to do the things I didn't want to do. These are skills that will quickly land me living on a friends pullout couch whilst I declare "I swear I am looking for a job, but nobody is hiring. I mean, like.. nobody good is hiring. God, just chill."
I very much like being a functioning asset to society, and this lesson was a long time learned, but by gum I finally figured it out!!
So here I am all learned and shit, but still making the conscious choice to be lazy. Yet I somehow manage to get up everyday and govern myself, my home, my man, my dogs, my business, my life choices, my chores, my health, my social life and all that other shit that fills in the daily cracks. It really makes me wonder sometimes, if I wasn't so lazy, think of the things I could accomplish! Could you imagine?! I could write everyday in addition to my other daily encounters. I could hone in on these new skills that are bringing in the academic accolades. I could practice this new craft and master new skills. How much more amazing could this life be if I just got off my ass and did that little bit more?!
I am a walking oxymoron. I am a lazy, hardworking individual trying to figure out those fine lines between procrastination, production and manipulation.
My name is Cayleigh and I suffer from Zoolander Syndrome.
Send coffee, it's the only proven cure.